Ready Set Go!

Are you ready to play the game? Okay, here goes...

I had a first date with a guy about three weeks ago. We met online and seemed to hit it off over a brief series of emails and instant messages. His profile was sharp and snappy, but his pictures were all from a distance or somehow obscured getting a good look at him. From what I could tell, he was attractive enough and his personality could fill in any gaps.

About him: He has a professional degree, has lived on both coasts, and is very passionate about his current career, which is kind of unique and interesting. I'm giving you the generic, anonymous version of his profile, because he really does have a distinctive background and I don't want to get too specific with someone else's bio. He lives very close to me, but doesn't go out much. I originally thought this was because of his dedication to his chosen field, but I may have been wrong...


He asked me out, but didn't actually pick an activity. I hate this. I am a strong, independent woman who "wears the pants" a lot in life. When I'm first interacting with a guy, I would like him to step up and be a gentleman about it. Ask me out, pick our date, and offer to pay (I usually won't let you, but it's a nice gesture). These small things make a big difference in how I perceive someone. I guess I'm a little old fashioned  that way, but I also know that I have a strong personality so if he can't step up now then I will probably end up bulldozing him later.

The set-up: After a little back and forth of "You decide," I picked coffee. I like short first dates. You get in, get a feel for the person, and get out. Coffee, drinks, something quick and easy where no one is expecting to spend a huge amount of time together. When you reach the bottom of you cup you can bail (or stay) without much pressure.

I picked a coffee shop that neither of us had been to before. This is always a little risky because the place might be truly terrible or inappropriate for a date, but if it is, and you like each other, it can make for a fun story later. [A lot of my choices in life seemed to be based on the "What the heck, if nothing else it'll make for a great story later" train of thought.] My line of reasoning this time was that it was neutral ground. And, also, if it went horribly I'd probably never run into him again because this wasn't my usual spot.

The date: We met for mid-afternoon coffee. I hadn't been on a date in a while, so I agonized over what to wear. I ended up with a simple sundress with a bright hoodie and flip-flops. Going for a very casual, but cute midday look here. I arrived first, scoped out the place, and went ahead and ordered my drink.

As I was ordering, I kept an eye out for my date. He arrived a few minutes later and we sat down with our drinks. On the plus side, he was a little taller and more muscular than I had perceived from his pictures. His head was shaved and he was sporting a button down shirt and jeans. He wasn't exactly attractive, but he wasn't unattractive either. On the minus side, he was wearing a newsboy cap that reminded me of a kindly grandfather in the park. Not hot. Also, he had a tongue ring. Maybe I'm too conservative, but I feel like when you reach your 30s, it's time to stop rebelling against society and take the oddball piercings out.

We struggled with conversation a bit here and there. I am not Oprah, but I feel like I can keep a conversation going pretty well. Tongue-Ring, however did not seem super comfortable with maintaining a back-and-forth. I would ask him an open-ended question and he'd answer it briefly, but not really return the favor. He seemed interested enough in me to make pleasantries - so why not actually hold up his end of the conversation?

We talked a bit about our backgrounds, where we'd gone to school, places we'd lived, and the usual first date chatter. I tried to give him easy openings to ask me things about myself, but ended up having to volunteer most information. From what I could gather, while he is very into his profession, his lack of a social life is chosen, not required by duty to his job. He didn't seem to want or need to spend much time with other people. Given his conversational skills, I wasn't really surprised.

After about an hour of idle chatting (I had been surreptitiously keeping an eye on the clock behind him), we both loosened up a bit and started joking around about some of the questionable artwork on the coffee shop walls. He finally showed a little bit of personality. We talked for about twenty minutes more, until I glanced at the clock and decided to end our date on this high note. I finished the last gulp of my drink and told him I'd enjoyed getting to meet him and something along the lines of, "Let's chat later." He looked a little surprised by my somewhat abrupt ending of the date, but I couldn't get a read on him otherwise. We walked to our cars and said goodbye.

The debrief: Tongue-Ring and I have a fair amount in common on paper, but in person our personalities just didn't seem to click. He's either reserved or mildly anti-social and I am the opposite. He's got a wild child background and still seems to be holding onto that a little with his appearance. I decided that if he asks me out for a second date, I'd go, but I wouldn't ask him out. I am a little mystified by TR and had a hard time getting a read on his personality and his thoughts. We didn't have a terrible time, but there weren't any violins playing either.

I guess TR felt the same way about the date as I did. Neither one of us emailed each other afterward. At first, I was relieved. No need for an awkward email blow-off. But then, I started to feel bad and worried that I had seemed like I was in a hurry to bail at the end of our date. I wasn't jumping to go out with him again, but I also didn't want to hurt his feelings. After about ten days, I finally sent him a brief email asking how his holiday weekend was. After another ten days, he emailed back and asked me how I was doing. I'm probably not going to email him back, I'll just assume there are no hard feelings and that we are on the same page.

The verdict: This was my first Marry-Fuck-or-Throw date and the verdict is easy. I could tell within the first ten minutes that Marry was not in the cards. I tried to squint a little and imagine us after a few drinks, and could maybe have convinced myself on Fuck if he'd had more of a personality. But, he didn't and we didn't, and we won't. I wish TR lots of luck meeting the right girl for him. Somewhere out there, there has to be a quiet, ex-raver girl with a thing for bald guys. My choice: Throw.